Our Sense of Humor

Federal Employee Evaluations

These are actual evaluations collected by a retired Social Security employee who spent her entire career in the Personnel Department.

• Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
• I would not allow this employee to breed.
• This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
• Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
• He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the little plastic thing to hold it all together.
• A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
• He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
• I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
• He's been working with glue too much.
• He would argue with a signpost.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
• He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room.
• When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
• A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
• If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
• He has a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
• Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
• Has two brains: one is lost, and the other is out looking for it.
• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.